A Better Job Interview

Job interviews are difficult. Three people with a list of 20 basically irrelevant questions take turns asking them. They methodically write down your answers.

They already know you are qualified to do the job. They decided this from your resume. That’s why you got the interview. This is the swimsuit part of the job pageant. They want to look at you. They want to decide how you’re going to fit into their office based on your appearance, voice, behavior.

The questions reward people who are good at lying on their feet quickly and convincingly. Every answer may be utter baloney, and the interviewers don’t know that.

This gets you a new employee who will be able to call in sick, even when they’re not, and make you believe it. Or provide a creditable explanation why a project isn’t progressing, even when it’s not remotely true.

Then they usually end the interview by asking if there’s anything you’d like to know about the job? I know asking about benefits or hours shows you’re only interested in helping yourself, and not the company, so that’s the wrong thing to say. I don’t know what the right thing to ask them is.

I do know you can’t ask any of the things you really want to know, like how crazy are my co-workers and bosses? Most of the jobs I’ve had, I wouldn’t have applied for them if I didn’t think it was something I’d enjoy or could do. But when I’ve quit, it’s always been because the people were insane.

How many women in your office are childless and what positions of power are they in? If you have kids, a childless woman is not going to comprehend how you have to juggle your priorities. And if you are not raising kids and you are surrounded by women who spend 80 percent of their work time raising their kids by telephone, it is going to drive you crazy.

Who smokes and are they management or peons? If management smokes, the peons who also smoke are going to be sharing quality, relaxation time with the bosses out on the sidewalk half a dozen times a day. They will bond on a level the non-smokers cannot hope to obtain. This is such a truth, it’s been an episode of “Friends.” And if your boss doesn’t smoke, he or she, and your nonsmoking co-workers are going to perceive the smoke breaks you need as wasted time.

How many people in the office wear excessive amounts of cologne, and how close will they sit to you? One cubicle dweller I worked with even took issue with the smell of gum or mints. I have despised jobs where co-workers frequently went out for Chinese, but didn’t stay out with it. They brought it back to their desks where the stench hung in the air for the rest of the afternoon. Microwave popcorn poppers can make a whole floor smell like a movie theater.

Who is a cleaning fanatic, and how much power do they have? The cleaning fanatics tend to be the same group that likes to celebrate birthdays, promotions, and departures with baked goods. Any excuse for yet another office cake is seized, but then they chase you down the hall with a vacuum cleaner because you dropped a crumb.

Are you being hired to do the job as outlined, or are there Secret Hidden Responsibilities, like watering the plants? I once had a boss who hired me for my computer skills but yelled at me every day because the office plants weren’t thriving.

How crazy are the coffee people? The Office Coffee Militia have notes pinned around the coffee area with warnings to pay for every cup, clean up after yourself, don’t leave cups in the sink, turn the pot off when the coffee is low, whoever takes the last cup has to make the next pot, and so on. Half their day at work is spent making coffee, complaining about the coffee area, policing other people’s coffee habits, or obsessing about the coffee situation.

Are the bosses big picture people or little pickers? In the big picture view, the job is getting done. It’s getting done well. It’s getting done on schedule. But that’s not enough for little pickers. They may want you to come in exactly on time. Not five minutes late, but exactly, and this may become an obsession. They may put a stopwatch on lunch or breaks.

Or they may require dozens of little progress reports, explanations of how your time was spent, budgets of how you expect to spend your time next week, time off requests in triplicate and signed by three levels of managers. The evidence that the work is actually getting done is not good enough. Staff meetings are spent discussing disappearing pencils or toilet paper supply. It’s like the Caine Mutiny Court Martial where the captain becomes obsessed with whether or not someone is stealing the strawberries from the food locker, right in the middle of World War II.

These are some of the questions I’d like to ask at job interviews. I want to know the personal quirks and habits of everyone who is going to sit near me, or make decisions about how I get the job done. I’m spending 40 to 50 hours a week with these people. I’ll see them more than my family. But if you actually asked questions like that, they’d think you were insane. You’d never get hired. And yet, it’s the basis of  whether or not you’re going to be successful and effective in that position.